


Misunderstandings

by CupofTia



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: during 1X06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-11-23 00:04:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20882873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupofTia/pseuds/CupofTia
Summary: In which Sidney overhears the tail end of Charlotte and Lady Susan's conversation at the ball.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Sanditon fic and only the third fic I've ever written, so be kind!  
This was a prompt I put out on tumblr but I thought I'd try writing it myself and I couldn't stop!
> 
> Hope you guys like it :)  
May do another chapter if you do!

Sidney loved his brother, he would do anything for him. But right now, he could really do with him shutting up. As usual, tact was a virtue that eluded Tom and in this instance, he and Babington could not have been worse with their timing.

Sidney had just been telling Miss Heywood not to doubt herself. That she wasn’t too much of anything. That she was more than equal to any woman in the room. Or for that matter, any woman in the worl…on second thoughts, perhaps their timing had been flawless.

Yes. It was best he hadn’t continued. Lest he say something he would come to regret. The poor girl had been frightened enough in the past couple of days already. 

Still, he could not fight his desperation to get back their conversation, he kept glancing over his shoulder to check on her. What were she and Babington talking about? And why was she looking so flustered? 

“Yes Tom, I’m listening. The regatta. Go on.”

Sidney indulged Tom for a few more minutes, but he could not tear his attention or his mind away from Miss Heywood for long. He glanced back to check on her again and his stomach fell. She was gone. She had made her escape.

But perhaps he could catch her yet. Making his excuses to Tom, Sidney made his way back to Babington, hoping he’d have answers.

“Babington. Did you see where Miss Heywood went?” 

“She went to get some air apparently, said the room was too crowded. I seem to have a propensity for repelling women at the moment.” Babington mumbled sadly.  
  
“Yes, wonderful.” Sidney replied, clearly far too distracted to really listen. “What were you discussing?” 

“I was only asking if a lady’s affections towards a man could alter entirely in the space of a single day.”

Sidney was off before he even made a reply, leaving an already hurt Babington feeling truly quite sorry for himself.

But Sidney paid no mind to this. His mind was reeling. He dared not hope. Could this be the reason Miss Heywood was looking so flustered? Could it be possible that her feelings had changed towards _him_? She had made it perfectly clear, only yesterday, that she thought him unfeeling. But then, they had seemed to share a moment just now…or had he simply imagined it? He had to find her. 

After scanning the dance floor and seeing no sign of her, Sidney began looking in the side rooms. Why did this building have to be so bloody big?

As he searched Sidney started to wonder how this had all happened so quickly. Miss Heywood drove him mad. She had managed to get under his skin before he even realized what was happening. It could not be denied that she was headstrong and stubborn, and at times wholly inappropriate. Her conduct in London so far had been utterly exasperating. She truly was not sensible, or at least, she was naïve to the point of foolishness. If Sidney had known it was her being attacked when he had intervened, he would probably be facing the noose by now. 

And yet, she intrigued him. There were plenty of women who had shown their interest towards Sidney over the years since his last disastrous romantic entanglement, but they quite simply, bored him. They didn’t hold his interest. They may have been sensible yes, but he didn’t think anything of them. Charlotte was anything but boring, and she was all he could think about. He had truly meant it, when he said she was more than equal to the other women in the room. His own earlier words echoed back to him, despite his best intentions, he could not escape her.

Trying not to dwell any further on this startling realization, Sidney was relieved to finally hear Miss Heywood’s voice. Who was she talking to, he wondered? He could not make out what they were saying, so he made his way closer. Just as he came within earshot, he heard something that made him stop dead in his tracks.

The second voice, a lady, replied, “My dear girl, you cannot determine who you fall in love with! It is an affliction. Like the measles."

In love with? Miss Heywood was, _in love_ with someone? But who? And he had thought they’d shared a moment. He thought she was confused about her feelings for him, but maybe Babington’s words had flustered her because she was doubting her love for someone else. 

But, this lady, whoever she was, was right, Sidney knew all too well. You cannot help who you fall in love with.

Sidney’s mind was drawn back to the cricket match, he had seen the looks between Miss Heywood and young Mr Stringer. He must be the man. Sidney breathed heavily through his nostrils. He deeply wished it were someone far easier to dislike. 

Every part of him wanted to withdraw. Brood and sulk and drown his sorrows in a glass, or two. Or ten. Just like he had after the incident on the beach. Hadn’t Miss Heywood made it perfectly clear to him then that she wasn’t interested in him? “You are the last person I wish to see.” That's what she'd said. His jaw clenched at the memory. The humiliation still fresh in his mind. And here he was, humiliated once again. What a fool he was.

Yet Sidney fought the urge to run. Miss Heywood already thought him an unfeeling scoundrel. What would she think if he gave in? He knew he may well end up at the 'boarding house'. No. She was right. He would not pay for love. But he could fight for it.

If she was doubting her feelings for young Mr Stringer, Sidney might have a chance. He clung to this hopeful thought like he had clung to that carriage, and here he was, about to take a leap of faith again. He just needed to have a private word with her. 

Before he could even plan what he was about to say, he strode into the room, too fearful that his nerve would leave him if he waited any longer.

“Ah. There you are. I was beginning to think you’d made your escape.” Dear god, could he sound any more relieved to see her? He rearranged his face into what he hoped was a carefree expression.

“Mr Sidney Parker I presume. We were just discussing you.” the other lady said, making no introduction.

Discussing _me_? Sidney thought. Ah, now he understood. It all made sense now. Miss Heywood had obviously sensed his feelings before, he had said already too much. And now, she was worried about how to tell him that she didn’t return those feelings. Because she couldn’t help being in love with young Stringer. He had got it all wrong. God dammit Sidney, what are you doing to do now. You idiot!

He had to abandon ship. A private talk was now the absolute last thing he wanted. He could’t _bear_ to hear her let him down. It would destroy him.  
  
Trying to act as though the last comment had not sent his mind into complete and utter meltdown, Sidney tried desperately to compose his face again and cast about for an excuse to have sought Miss Heywood out.

What excuse could he have for seeking her out at this damn ball…DANCING. Yes dancing. Sidney led Miss Heywood off to the dance floor, desperately wondering what on earth he was letting himself in for.

Well bloody done Sidney, he thought bitterly to himself. This won’t be excruciating for you at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The misunderstandings continue through the dance scene, and beyond :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you guys asked for more, here we are! :)  
Hope this continues to tide you over until Sunday evening, god help us all!  
I'll try and write another chapter but it may not be til Sunday daytime!

  
Sidney led Miss Heywood to the dance floor with the same trepidation a man walking towards his own demise might feel. He kept his exterior cool, but his stomach was in knots and he was desperately hoping she wouldn’t feel the sweat building in his palms.

“You did not have to ask me you know, out of politeness” she stammered.  
  
Was she trying to get out of this? Sidney was internally floundering.

“That’s what people do at dances is it not? Dance?”

The question may have sounded rhetorical, but internally Sidney had taken leave of his senses and was legitimately beginning to question whether dancing was supposed to be happening! Then he remembered that people clearly were dancing. Get a grip Sidney, he thought. Miss Heywood blurred his mind like the London fog blurred the streets outside. He couldn’t think straight around her.

Sidney thought Miss Heywood looked as uncomfortable as he felt, wholly mistaking her nervousness and confused feelings as pity for himself and a reluctance to dance with him. 

“Unless you’d rather not?” Oh god, please don’t agree.  
  
“No, it’s only, there are so many other ladies here you could ask.”

So she was trying to get out of this. Trying to persuade him to leave her alone and ask another lady to dance, but she was too polite to say so.  
  
Even as these thoughts nagged at Sidney, his resolve crumbling by the second, he couldn’t stop the earnest confession escaping his lips in time.

“But I don’t want to dance with them.” Oh way to go Sidney. She couldn’t refuse now, poor girl.

She was looking flustered again. You were supposed to abandon this plan, Sidney, he told himself sternly. You’re just making her more uncomfortable.

Ah well, no backing out now. They bowed, and began their dance. As the seconds passed, Sidney vaguely wondered how long a person could go without breathing as he continued to get irresistibly close to Miss Heywood. She smelt so enticing. Christ, she looked so enticing. Tonight, in that beautiful ball gown, she was intoxicating, an assault on all of his senses. He swallowed hard, his mouth as dry as sand.

As the dance went on, he began to relax and before he knew it they found a natural rhythm. He couldn’t stop the smile tugging at his lips. They seemed to move together in perfect harmony. It was as if they just…fit. Especially when their hands came together. Like two pieces of a puzzle. Stop it Sidney.

But how could he help it? They were smiling in unison now and it felt like time itself had slowed down in that moment. He made a vow to himself that no matter what happened, he would just be happy to see her smile like that.

But then, the thought of young Mr Stringer being the one to make her smile and not him, caused a sudden, sickening jolt in his stomach. Jealousy rose up in him like a serpent just as the dance was ending and he could hardly bear to part from her. He held her hand to his chest a moment too long, but she pulled away.

He managed to pull himself away as well, but only because he found a distraction in what would have otherwise been an unwelcome sight - Mrs Campion, a ghost from romance past.

Mrs Campion had seen him too, and relieved to have a reason not to give in to his overwhelming desire to claim Miss Heywood’s lips there and then - to hell with the consequences – Sidney went to greet her, thanking Miss Heywood and leaving her in Tom’s hands. She was probably relieved to see him showing interest in someone else, it would make her rejection of him that much easier.

Sidney wished this distraction hadn’t been quite such a painful one. It was true that Mrs Campion would always hold a piece of his heart, but it was also true that he had lost respect for her long ago. She no longer held power over him. No, that claim now belonged solely to Miss Heywood and her alone. He conceded to this overwhelming, yet devastating truth at long last, unable to ignore the strength of his feelings any longer.

He spoke to Mrs Campion as long as necessary, reluctantly enjoying her company against his better judgment. She had always known how to make him laugh, but he didn’t feel himself around her. He never felt like he could reveal too much, always desperate to impress.

He was more himself around Miss Heywood than he wished to be at times. She brought out, not the worst in him, but the truth. If he was angry he couldn’t hide it from her. His shouting at her in the street was testament to that, as much as he had regretted it in the immediate aftermath. Certainly he was keen to impress her now and the recent awakening of his feelings had him anything but relaxed…but, although he had said himself he didn’t belong anywhere, he did feel like he belonged with her.

The angry snake hissed and writhed in his stomach again. She belonged with him too. He wanted to grab her and shake her and tell her so, his conflicting feelings fluctuating from one extreme to the other, like a wave rising and crashing against the shore. He glanced around, eager to capture her with his eyes at least, but saw she had once again, disappeared.

Panicking that she had in fact made her escape this time, Sidney made his excuses, bid a now rather sour looking Mrs Campion a hasty goodbye and rushed off to find Miss Heywood.   
  
Passing a morose looking Babington on his way, it became clear to Sidney why he had been struggling to rouse interest in the regatta. Babington’s energy was akin to that of a wilted flower. The poor man seemed to have lost all sense of reasonable behaviour. Clearly a few drinks worse for wear, he was asking a startled looking young woman if he repelled her. Sidney hesitated and stared exasperatedly at Babington, strongly tempted to help the poor man out, but he couldn’t be sidetracked now.

Unable to find Miss Heywood in any of the side rooms, Sidney found himself back in the entrance hall. He looked around frantically, out of breath, his brow furrowed. He caught a glimpse of the lady Miss Heywood had been speaking to earlier; she gave him a knowing smile and pointed towards the main entrance.  
  
Nodding his head in bemused thanks, Sidney rushed through the door and to his utter astonishment, found Miss Heywood alone in the street, _again_, waiting for a carriage.  
  
The murderous rage he had felt when he realized it had been her who had been attacked the other night, the frustration that had been building inside of him all evening since he had heard that she loved another man, his fury at her naivety and the idea of her being in danger again, all of it bubbling away underneath the surface, suddenly became too much. The snake rose up inside of him, a cobra ready to strike.  
  
“Miss Heywood what, on, _earth_, do you think, you are doing? His voice was dangerously low.  
  
“Mr Parker. I am leaving, as you see.”

“On your own?” He said through gritted teeth.

She lifted her chin up defiantly. “Please don’t trouble yourself on my account Mr Parker. I wouldn’t want to tear you away from Mrs Campion.”

And there she went, trying to get rid of him again. It was the final straw.

"Miss Heywood, whether you like it or not I am coming with you. Our carriage is this way, follow me, NOW." he shouted before he could stop himself.  
  
She looked outraged, but clearly decided against protesting any further. She followed him huffily. Sidney was shaking all over. Now he wasn’t even giving her the option to be out of his company. What a mess he was making. 

Sidney was aware Miss Heywood was angry and his anger at himself for making her so wound him up even further, but he was oblivious to Miss Heywood’s own confusion, frustration and jealousy. They sat in the carriage in awkward silence, the tension palpable. After some time, unable to quell the stream of resentment now pouring from him, Sidney couldn’t resist bitterly remarking on her eagerness to rush off.  
  
“I bet you can’t wait to get back and start packing. Eager to get back to Sanditon I’m sure.”

Charlotte looked indignant, though just how indignant she was, he was insensible of. Of course she was keen to get back, she wanted to run away from the ball, from him, Mrs Campion and her own stupid feelings as quickly and as far away as possible. But he was one to talk. Considering Mr Tom Parker had made it very clear Mrs Campion would be joining them in Sanditon.

“Well I bet you can’t wait either. I’m sure you’ll be pleased to finally have some adult company, people you don’t have to scold every five minutes.” She spat back at him.

Oh and now he had not only angered her but upset and offended her again. He had made her question herself once more, after insisting earlier that she shouldn't do so. How had this got so out of control? He was so confused. He felt ready to explode. Before Sidney could apologise and begin to rectify the situation, the carriage slowed to a halt outside the townhouse and Miss Heywood rushed out and stormed into the house without so much as a backwards glance.

Sidney followed her inside but she had already retired upstairs. He paced around the house like a caged beast, alternating between his conviction to either make amends or to confront her. After knocking back several glasses of whiskey, he finally slammed down his glass and charged towards her room, though with which intention, he hardly knew.  
  
When he got to her door however, he heard her talking to Georgiana, and his hand hesitated on the door handle. His curiosity got the better of him and he couldn’t help but listen in.

“Charlotte, what happened? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. I just can’t wait to get back to Sanditon, that's all.”

“Charlotte, I know that look. I know what’s bothering you. It’s blatantly obvious. You’re in love. I know it all to well” Georgiana announced sadly.

“But how did you…”

“I saw the way you two were looking at each other at the cricket match.”

Sidney couldn’t bear anymore. He couldn’t stand to hear it from her own lips. It was too painful. He skulked off to bed, but not before grabbing the bottle of whiskey first. He needed something to help him sleep.

Had he only listened at their door a moment longer, Sidney would have heard that it was not young Stringer that Miss Heywood was in fact, in love with, and his sleep would have been quite sound indeed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sidney keeps overhearing conversations and misunderstandings keep happening...really, he should just stop eavesdropping!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)  
Sorry this chapter is much later than promised! I desperately wanted to finish this fic before Sunday night's episode but ended up getting myself all anxious and stressed about it so decided to give myself a couple of day's off! Since writing it was supposed to be fun after all!  
Anyway, now I'm just anxious and stressed about what will happen in the last episode :D god help us all!
> 
> This is still set before episode 7 so I have stuck to my original plan of where I wanted it to go and it still kind of works :) Enjoy!

Sidney could not tell which felt more sore the following morning, his head or his ego. Certainly as well as the physical effects he was feeling, there were other aches he felt that had absolutely nothing to do with his drinking the night before.

He replayed the events of the previous evening over and over in his mind, groaning miserably as he rubbed his palms over his eyes and dragged them down his face in frustration.

What a mess he had made of everything. His jealousy and anger had gotten the better of him. His temper had always been short and when he was around Miss Heywood, his emotions were as on display as the rest of him had been that day at the beach. 

She had looked so hurt last night. He hated to think that he had caused her any pain. Yet she looked all the more beautiful for it. It may have been terrible for him to think it, but her vulnerability was incredibly endearing. It was a stark contradiction of her usual defiance and independence. When he saw her that way, he yearned to protect her.

It had been this instinct, the overwhelming desire to keep her safe that had pushed him over the edge last night. He couldn’t bear for anything to happen to her. But how was she to know that? He supposed his hostility must have seemed quite out of the blue, considering their earlier reconciliation. Bitterness of unrequited feelings aside, he must go and apologise. 

When he reached Miss Heywood’s room he found the door slightly ajar and unintentionally this time, heard her and Georgiana talking again. Had they been talking all night for god's sake, he thought irritably. It felt as if he had only just left them in this exact same manner.

Miss Heywood sounded disheartened: “You’re wrong Georgiana. He was not looking at me in any way at the cricket match. He doesn’t think of me in that way.”

He bloody well was, Sidney thought darkly, and he bloody well must do. He’s the world’s biggest fool if he doesn’t. The memory of hearing this exact conversation last night and the jealousy it had caused made his temper flare again, and his hangover was doing little to help matters. His mood was like a storm right now and the next clap of thunder was due any moment.

“I think you’re mistaken.” Georgiana countered. “But regardless, what about the other gentleman in this story? We know he must have feelings for you. But if you don’t feel the same, as you said last night, you’re going to have to let him down gently.”

It was bad enough that Miss Heywood had been discussing him with a perfect stranger last night, but to talk it all through in such agonising detail with his own ward, who should respect him, discussing him as if he were a wounded puppy, it was more than he could take. 

“I don’t feel the same way. You know it isn’t him I love, but how can I break his heart. Poor Mr…”

And there it was. The thunder. BOOM.

Sidney barged into the room and bellowed as he went, “THAT IS ENOUGH. I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS. I WILL NOT SUFFER THE HUMILIATION. IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME MISS HEYWOOD, THEN COME AND SAY IT, RATHER THAN TALKING BEHIND MY BACK!"

Breathing heavily, Sidney stared wildly around at the two ladies, who were looking quite frankly, completely and utterly bewildered. He realized, entirely too late, that Charlotte had finished her sentence with the word "Stringer”. Mr _Stringer_. Not Mr _Parker_. His breath caught in his throat and the colour that had risen in his cheeks in temper began to drain, panic setting in faster even than his anger had done. 

“Mr Parker, what on earth are you talking about?” Georgiana demanded. 

Sidney’s brain felt stuck. He fumbled blindly through the past few seconds in his mind, trying desperately to compose himself and make sense of the situation. Say something Sidney. Anything.

“I err…I was just…I thought…what I mean to say is…” 

The two ladies gaped at him expectantly, eager for some sort of explanation for his bizarre behaviour. 

“I appear to have misunderstood”, he managed to stammer out hurriedly at last. “Excuse me.” He practically ran from the room.

“What…?” Georgiana made as if to follow him but Charlotte interjected, looking as though she was about to burst into tears but determined nonetheless.

“I’ll go.”

Sidney was halfway down the hallway, gripping the banister as if it were the edge of a cliff. Indeed he felt as if he had just fallen from one. His mind was a whirl, racing to process this new information as quickly as it could.

They were talking about Mr _Stringer._ Miss Heywood didn’t have feelings for Mr _Stringer_. Which would mean, the other gentleman they were talking about, the one she was in love with, had to be…

“Mr Parker?”

He jumped and spun around to see Miss Heywood standing nervously behind him. He had been so caught up in this recent revelation that he had not heard her approach.

She looked incredibly upset, her familiar crease of a frown between her eyebrows. That damned cute frown. It was all he could do to stop himself kissing it away. 

Of course she was upset, after his outburst. “Miss Heywood, I…forgive me. I didn’t meant to shout. And upset you. Again.” He flinched involuntarily. “Would you believe it if I said I’d actually come to apologise?” he said, smiling weakly.

“There’s no need to apologise for how you feel Mr Parker. I am sorry you overheard us discussing you, and in a way that was so clearly disagreeable to you. I didn’t realise my feelings would cause you so much anger. And humiliation.” She faltered. Her eyes were brimming with tears now. “But since that is the case, though you asked me to tell you what I wanted to say, I would rather not say it at all if it’s all the same to you." 

The tears she had been holding back had burst forth and she made to hurry away before he noticed them.

Comprehension dawned on Sidney, mercifully much more quickly than it had before, now that everything had become so clear, to him, at least. It seemed the two of them were not done with their misunderstandings yet though. He caught her arm before she could make her escape, pulling her round to face him once more.

“Miss Heywood, wait. Please. Let me explain.”

He had pulled her closer towards him than he'd realised. It was the closest they’d ever been. They stared intensely into one another’s eyes, each searching the other’s, for what they hardly knew. Sidney’s heart was beating furiously in his chest, his blood pumping in his ears, his sharp, ragged breaths the only thing breaking the silence. 

Unconsciously, he moved closer to her still, the hand that had been on her arm moving up to cup her face of it’s own volition, his thumb gently wiping away the tears that lay on her cheek. She closed her eyes momentarily at his touch, leaning into his hand slightly. Her eyes opened, meeting his once more and the gap between them began to close, their faces drawn to each other like two ends of a magnet, inching ever closer until…

At that precise moment, Mr Tom Parker came bustling up the stairs, shouting as he went, “Sidney, Sidney! I have the most wonderful news! Mrs Campion has decided to join us in Sanditon after all! I told her you expressly desired her company.” He was grinning like an idiot as he reached them. Very much like one. 

Miss Heywood had jumped away as soon as she'd heard him. Her face now dropped in an instant as she excused herself and hurried back to her room. Sidney briefly considered committing fratricide as he stared at Tom in absolute disbelief.

“I know, I know, you can hardly express your excitement.” Tom continued. “No need to thank me.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based loosely on the events of episode 7 with some AU. Will the misunderstandings stop? In this chapter, no, no they won't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovely people :)
> 
> So I wasn't going to write any more for this story, I had contented myself with ending it there, but after the finale and multiple requests (thank you for all of your lovely comments by the way!) I decided we needed a happier ending! So a couple more chapters to go yet :) but I know where the story is going.
> 
> Just wanted to say a massive shout out and thank you to all of my beautiful girls from the Sanditon group chat as well. The last two weeks since that finale have been rough, and these guys know that I did not handle the last episode well! I actually thought I was going to leave this fandom, but these lovely ladies have been the best thing to come out of it and I couldn't leave that behind! They have kept me going and I am constantly thankful for their unwavering support and friendship. Love you all <3 
> 
> Anyway, enough of my sentimental ramblings, hope you all enjoy the new chapter, thanks for reading!

The carriage ride home had given Sidney sufficient time to marvel at just how many times he had been ready to commit murder in the last few days. Between Miss Heywood’s attacker, Georgiana’s kidnapper and now his own incomprehensibly oblivious brother, it was a wonder Sidney was leaving London on the right side of the law. 

He had found it quite impossible to get Miss Heywood alone since their…moment (or almost moment, thanks to Tom.) Sidney knew she was avoiding him. She had barely even looked at him in the carriage ride home, despite his numerous attempts to catch her eye.

He had indulged himself instead in admiring her from the opposite seat at various interludes, stealing glances at every opportunity. He soon discovered however, that the jostling of the carriage and the consequent effect it had had on her bosom did little to help his already strained self-control, pushed to its limits by their near kiss.

Sidney was very confused by the whole situation, the clarity he had previously felt now marred with fear and doubt. The carriage ride, charged with sexual tension as it had been, had afforded him the opportunity to mull over all of his previous misunderstandings. Did he dare allow himself to hope? If Charlotte and the mysterious woman at the ball had been talking about him but Charlotte had admitted that she didn’t love Stringer, then surely that meant she loved him, Sidney? And yes, this tallied too with what Georgiana had said about their looks at the cricket match. The evidence was right there in front of him, yet he still continued to doubt it.

In the rare moments Sidney did allow himself to hope that Miss Heywood did love him, it still occurred to him that she did not know, or even think, that he felt the same way; a notion in no way disavowed by Tom's ridiculous declaration about Mrs Campion or by Sidney's brutish outburst in London. Or, worse still, after that particularly idiotic and ham-fisted display on his part, perhaps she had reconsidered her feelings? Perhaps he had shouted at her once too often? Perhaps she felt he had taken too many liberties, shouting at her and then nearly kissing her immediately afterwards? What must she think of him now? What if her feelings for him had changed entirely in a single day but then changed all over again? Perhaps perhaps perhaps.

His second-guessing her feelings was not because Sidney considered Miss Heywood to be of such fickle character; indeed, he now held in the highest regard and esteem. But rather, it was his deep-rooted refusal to consider that anyone _could_ love him that made him question everything. Why would they? _How_ could they? He was not an easy man to love. And deep down, if he was honest with himself, he did not believe he deserved happiness. It was why he always pushed people away, why he always kept his guard up. But Miss Heywood had managed to break through his carefully constructed defences as no-one else before her had. He had not expected it or been prepared. He had meant it when he told her he had underestimated her. And now he was entirely in her power.

The incessant internal monologue of what ifs was enough to drive him mad. He was desperate to have a moment alone with her, to gauge her feelings and to make clear that despite Tom’s misguided belief, he could not have cared less about Mrs Campion or her joining them in Sanditon. But determined as he was to seek her out, Sidney had not expected to see Miss Heywood during his visit to Georgiana and he was caught off guard. He could not prevent the awkward smile that appeared on his face when he saw her - she was so damn beautiful - but her own evident awkwardness at seeing him threw him. He was so distracted that when she asked how he found Georgiana, he had to glance at the door as if to remind himself of why he was actually there.

“Ah. I daresay you’ll have more luck.” Certainly more luck than I’m having in talking to you, he cursed inwardly as he walked past her. God dammit man, this is your chance. Say something! Forcing himself to be brave, he turned back around and stammered, 

“I err…I might wait for you downstairs, if you don’t mind?” Please don’t mind, he thought. He was all too aware of how nervous he sounded and had to clasp his hands behind his back in an effort to stop them shaking.

“No, not at all.” Was her heaven sent reply.

It was an excruciating wait downstairs, though it was made less so by the consoling thought that Georgiana was in the best hands with Miss Heywood. She truly was a good friend. Another virtue of hers to add to his now ever-growing list. Once she joined him and they started their walk through town, Sidney tried desperately to think of how best to start their conversation. But Miss Heywood spoke first,

“You must be patient with Georgiana. Every moment spent apart is…well you know how sharp the pain of separation must be.”

Did she know how he was longing for her? No, that didn’t make sense. She wouldn’t be so forward. She must be referring to his previous attachment to Eliza. So perhaps that _was_ preying on her mind. If that was the case, he had to make it clear that it was no longer preying on his.

“Yes, well. Fate has a strange way of surprising the most jaded amongst us.” Fate brought me to you he added in his head.

“You are not nearly as unfeeling as you pretend.”

If she only knew just how much he was feeling at that moment. If only he could find the words to express it.

“If that is the case I would ask you to keep it to yourself. I have a reputation to uphold.” What was he babbling on about? Don’t remind her of your reputation Sidney, you blithering idiot, you want her to think well of you! 

Thankfully she didn’t seem to mind as, “Your secret is safe with me” was her playful reply.

Encouraged as he was by this flirtatious repartee, Sidney had not been able to find the words he so wanted to convey before their walk had ended, and he was furious with himself for chickening out. Especially because since then, he had had no further luck getting Miss Heywood alone, a frustration amplified by the unwelcome arrival of Mrs Campion. He knew he must try his best to be an accommodating host, aware of how important her potential investment in Sanditon would be to his brother, but he was concerned that her arrival would only continue to confuse matters between himself and Miss Heywood.

His fears were magnified when he took Eliza to Trafalgar house, a courtesy he would rather not have afforded her but one he felt he could not avoid. As he reintroduced her to Tom and Mary, Miss Heywood’s presence pulled his eye as surely as the moon pulled the tide. It was inescapable. He only had a moment to glance at her without appearing rude to his guest, but it was enough time for a myriad of emotions to pass through him, something he feared his face betrayed. He only wished Miss Heywood’s face would afford him similar clarity. What was she thinking? Was she distressed by Eliza’s presence? Did she misunderstand his feelings and think he was pleased to have Eliza there?

Sidney had to go for a swim to clear his head, but unfortunately no amount of sea bathing could provide the answers to the endless questions in his mind, and they remained unanswered as opportunities to speak to Miss Heywood alone continued to escape him. With the regatta finally upon them, duty dictated that Sidney show Mrs Campion around. At the sandcastle competition, Sidney spotted Miss Heywood immediately in the distance, though he glanced around the whole beach conspicuously as if she wasn’t the only sight he cared about, as if he wasn’t purposefully heading in her direction. He even went so far as to exclaim, “This one for instance”, as if he had picked Miss Heywood’s sandcastle completely at random and not by design. 

Seeing her knelt in the sand, playing with his nieces and nephew, was enough to set his soul ablaze. His heart swelled with pride, admiration and pure, unadulterated love. He hardly knew how to express such emotion, something that became all too apparent when he heard his own mouth utter the words, 

“Miss Heywood. A handsome construction, I assume you and Henry at the architects?” Wow, he thought. Complimenting her on her sandcastle Sidney, really? Way to charm her. You absolute prat.

Slamming his cane into the sand did little to relieve the frustration he was feeling at his utter hopelessness, but at least fussing Henry was a welcome distraction. As he and Eliza walked away, Sidney trying not to replay the last few moments in his mind, he heard Eliza ask who "that young lady" was.

“Miss Heywood. A guest of my brother and Mary’s.” And the love of my life.

“And she helps with the children?”

“Among other things.” Like sending my heart into overdrive, keeping me awake at night, making me want to be a better man, not to mention making every other beautiful sight in this world pale in comparison.

Sidney had to remind himself time and time again that Tom needed Eliza’s investment and he must keep her on side. She was not the same woman he once knew and he had to bite his tongue on several occasions whilst in her company. Particularly when she showed her barely concealed contempt towards Miss Heywood. As the rowing competition approached, Sidney found that he was very much looking forward to it. It would be the perfect opportunity to relieve these building frustrations, though only time spent alone with Miss Heywood would help relieve the other kind of tension he was battling.

Speaking with his brothers before the race and hearing Tom's further insistence that Eliza was the one who had affected a positive change in him lately, Sidney reflected that despite Arthur’s surprisingly astute observations on the matter, Miss Heywood truly had been right at that first ball, it seemed he really was the sensible brother. Perish the thought. Making his excuses to both of them, he left in search of her, perhaps he might have a chance to speak to her before the rowing began. As he passed some of the workmen in conversation, the mention of Miss Heywood’s name suddenly caught his attention.

“Yes, Stringer’s just taken Miss Heywood on a walk now, to have a ‘substantial conversation’, if you catch my understanding.” One of them announced, laughing.

Sidney’s previous conviction that young Mr Stringer was a difficult man to dislike now completely out the window, he strode on with purpose, his mind working furiously. A substantial conversation? What did that mean? Would Miss Heywood change her mind about Mr Stringer, believing Sidney to be interested in Mrs Campion? Now utterly fed up with the agonising questions plaguing his mind, Sidney came to a determined decision. He must resolve things once and for all. He needed to get Miss Heywood alone, and he had to try and find out her feelings. Sheepishly aware that his hot-headedness had done little to advance their relationship thus far, Sidney resolved to approach the situation delicately. 

Firstly, he must explain that he wasn’t going back to Eliza. Then once, he had made that clear, he would try to gauge Miss Heywood’s feelings. Ah and there she was now. He instantly felt flushed, and had to remove his coat in an effort to cool down, the prospect of what he was about to do becoming more daunting by the second.

“It’s a little over an hour until the race Mr Parker. I’m letting all the competitors know.” She announced.

“Thank you. Well, what do you think Miss Heywood.” Will I do? Do you like what you see? He thought. But he said instead, “Do I look ready to you?” 

“I am no expert.”

“Neither am I." Certainly not at smooth talking he reflected bitterly. “Regrettably.” Oh, such deep regret.

“I haven’t picked up an ore in years.” Or tried to court a woman for that matter.

“I’m sure it will all come back to you.”

Not the courting part apparently, that clearly continued to elude him. “I wonder.” Sidney looked around as if the grass beneath his feet may offer a remedy to his inarticulateness. Deep breath Sidney he told himself, and stick to the plan, firstly, make it clear you don’t care for Eliza. 

“A man cannot step in the same river twice. Have you ever heard that?” There. Surely she’d understand what he was telling her. He felt his meaning was crystal clear. 

She had of course heard the quote and recited the rest back to him. Of course she knew that. He told her as much, though he had not actually intended to say it aloud. With the subject of Eliza cleared up as far as he was concerned, he realised it was time for the next stage of his plan. It was now or never. Time to leave the safety of the shore Sidney, time to sink or swim, both literally and metaphorically. 

“Well I need a second person to balance the boat, would you mind?”

“I’m not sure if I…”

“Come on.” he urged her, unable to keep the pleading out of his voice. 

He reached out his hand to help her, and mercifully she took it. As their hands touched, bare for the first time, a jolt of electricity shot through him and for a moment he couldn’t work out if the boat was unsteady or if it was him. He couldn’t stop both of his hands enclosing her own, desperate to capture the moment and not let go. Once they had set out, Sidney considered how best to broach the subject. How could he convey how scared he was? 

“May I ask you something Miss Heywood? Why is that when I finally have a chance at happiness, I cannot accept the fact?” You know full well why Sidney. His own happiness was within his reach, all he had to do was grasp it, but fear consumed him. Desperate as he was to stop the endless questions in his mind, he was petrified of what the answers would be.

“What is it you cannot accept?” 

Come on Sidney, be brave. “I had convinced myself I was destined to remain alone. That I was ill suited for matrimony.” Surely she understood his meaning now, as he spoke in the past tense. I _had_ convinced myself, I _was_ ill suited…until I met you.

“I do not believe that anybody is truly ill suited to marriage, not even you.” He chuckled at that against his own will. “I suppose it’s just a question of compatibility”

“Yes. I suppose you’re right.”

Unsure now of how to continue, he could feel his nerve starting to fail him, feel himself choking on the words he so longed to speak. In an effort to calm himself, he opted to focus on the rowing.

“Now it’s your turn, give me your hands.” Yeah, because holding her hands will calm you down. Christ Sidney, are you trying to give yourself a heart attack?

“Roll your hands. Good.” Trying desperately not to think about her hands gripping a very different object, Sidney pressed on, 

“Keep your back straight.” He reached out to help without thinking, his hand grasping her waist and accidentally grazing her breast. As a thrill of pleasure ran through him, he could not prevent a small snicker escaping his lips. She truly did hold such power over him. His amusement passed quickly as fear gripped him once more and the tension between them seemed to heighten.

Was he imagining it or was she moving closer now? This had to be a sign. This was his moment. And there was no bumbling brother who could possibly interrupt when they were out here, on a boat. If he couldn’t find the words then god dammit, he’d just have to kiss her. Honestly it astounded him that he had managed to resist doing so by this point anyway. Okay, here it goes…

“Sidney!” Mrs Campion called from the bank. It was a sound about as welcome at that point as an outbreak of cholera.

Sidney hastily stood up in unimaginable frustration. He looked down at the water and genuinely contemplated drowning himself. At this point, it would be a blessed relief.


End file.
